Have you ever noticed how much mom’s LOVE to tell their birth story? Of course you have. But why? They are not the kind of stories that we usually can brag about, it’s birth- the kid was coming out whether or not you did a thing. Before actually giving birth myself I was utterly mystified as to why woman who had given birth before were so obsessed with their own, and other women’s stories. But now having gone through it myself, wow. It was like war, man. It’s like fighting off the Vikings, or climbing a fourteener (I’m trying desperately to convince you I’m a Coloradoian right now)- it’s legit. There’s blood, sweat, and boy, are there tears. And tears down there. It’s the most exciting story I’ll ever be able to tell unless I have a Mulan moment and receive Shan Yu’s sword from the emperor of China. So not likely.

Because I’m not really one for long drawn out stories with lots of juicy details and adjectives (jk I totally am, it’s just that I have about 14 seconds before Sebastian wakes up), I’ve summed up my birth story in bullet points. Grab some wine, coffee, or sparkling water, sit back, and enjoy.

– Maureen wonders if she is in labor. Eric goes to get Chik-Fil-et milk shakes because he’s driving Maureen crazy by staring at her with panic/excitement-stricken eyes.
– Maureen puts on waterproof mascara and a cute outfit and they drive to the hospital.
– Nurse in triage is pessimistic that this is true labor as Maureen is still only 1cm dilated.
-They wait all night long.
-A doctor comes in and is rude and insulting.
-Maureen swears a lot.
-They get the news that Maureen’s water is not broken, but leaking, so she’s getting admitted for an induction.
-YAY!
-8hrs later still in triage.
– Finally got a room, the nurse is amazing.
-Get put on Cytotec, a little pill up and behind the cervix (lovely).
-Nurse says Maureen can eat, just not greasy food.
-Maureen’s sister Christina brings Chick-Filet
-Laughing, playing games with Eric and Christina
-4hrs later and still nothing is happening.
-Make fun of a resident doctor. He’s not really sure what’s happening.
-But seriously, you made it through medical school?
– Do another round of Cytotec.
-Eric decides to go sell our car to his brother and Maureen lovingly wave him goodbye. (True story)
-The Cytotec works this time.
-Lots of swearing.
-Christina is amazing and super encouraging.
-Contractions are every 1-2 min and incredibly intense.
-The nurse gives Maureen some pain meds. She says some nonsensical things in a blissfully peaceful drugged state.
-Good feelings gone.
-They check the cervix, still 1-2 cm. Tears.
-They tell her they are going to put a Foley bulb in to dilate the cervix. Maureen asks for an epidural through gritted teeth.
-So much pain and tears.
-They do the epidural. Maureen is holding on to Eric for dear life hoping to not be paralyzed forever. (Thanks a lot Grey’s Anatomy)
-Relief. Sleep.
-Wide awake. Epidural wore off in one section.
-They tell her if she wants the epidural they have to do it all over again to ensure it works.
-She cries and cries in pain and says yes.
-Meanwhile, dilated to a 5! Yay for being able to relax with the epidural!
-Another epidural and this time they give Maureen a whopping dose. It works.
-They break Maureen’s water and say that they will check her in another hour or so!
-Beautiful, blissful sleep.
-They wake her up.
-The baby’s head is right there! He’s about to come out!
-They say “Maureen, DON’T PUSH!”
-Maureen says “what’s pushing? I can’t feel a thing.”
-They call a Dr. and set up the room.
-Maureen reach down to touch the baby’s head and can feel a whole head of hair!
-The Dr. gets there, she pushes and pushes and pushes and 7 min later Eric helps to catch the baby.
-He looks at the baby in utter shock and joy and Maureen has to ask several times “Eric WHAT IS IT?!?!?”
-Eric looks at Maureen with tears in his eyes and says “It’s a boy!”
-They put the baby on Maureen’s chest.
-It’s Sebastian.