It’s been a crazy couple of weeks. I went back to work, Sebastian started going to one of my best friend’s house once a week while I work, and we low-key bought a house- big stuff for our little family. Of course because #life and #babies, in the midst of all of this Sebastian forgot how to sleep.

Let me re-phrase that, Sebastian forgot how to sleep when he’s with me.

When he is at my friend’s house, apparently, he sleeps 6 hours during the day. To my sleep-starved brain, this fact is nearly impossible to comprehend. Does she have a more comfortable pack n’ play at her house? Impossible, those things are like an inch and a half of something that feels like it should be anything other than a bed for a soft, squishy infant. Is he more mentally stimulated? Happier? Could it be the ring sling?

Yes, the ring sling. The current bane of my existence besides dairy. (That’s a story for another time, though). “So much easier than a complicated wrap”, they said. “Your baby will fall right asleep in it”, they also said.

So I succumbed to the advertising of happy, hipster moms with their adorable mustard colored tunic shirts and wide-brimmed sun hats, holding blithe, curly-haired babies. From the time I ordered it until it arrived, every time Seb was upset I would think “Ugh, when my ring sling FINALLY arrives I will be able to do things around the house while he naps peacefully on my chest.”

I’m not very good with following directional directions, so when my sling arrived my very direction-ally inclined husband had to help me thread it. I should have seen the warning signs- there is literally like, one step to threading it.

The next day when Seb was already upset, I confidently put my sling on, and attempted to place him in it. What actually ended up happening was an increase in the crying while I desperately trying to stuff his feet through without launching him over my shoulder in the process. When I finally got him in, he proceeded to go full on wooden board stiff and would not relax his adorable little butt into the sling. While I made hushing sounds and told him he was not being a very good hipster baby, he spit up down my shirt. End of attempt number one.

Attempt number two was at a wedding. What better time then a formal event to try out something new that might make your bundle of stubbornness shriek?  This time I was more prepared, and I put Sebastian in the sling BEFORE he was screaming. I sang to him to lure him into the idea that nothing out of the ordinary was happening, and it worked relatively well. The only problem was, in order to keep him close enough to my chest for him to be secure, I was pretty sure I was tourniquet-ing his legs. Oh well, he doesn’t need those for a couples months anyway, right? If this is what it takes to be a Insta-mom… Jokes, jokes.

So now, not only am I attempting to keep him in the sling, because for some reason he keeps contorting his body so that he is horizontal to my body, staring in fascination at lord knows what on the floor, I’m also attempting to loosen the sling to keep the circulation going in his legs, which causes him to fall out of place so that I then I have to re-tighten the sling. Eventually I was victorious! Ok, fine, I took him out and gave him to Eric. End of attempt number two.

Attempt number three- (I know, I don’t know how to quit) involved me dropping Seb and catching him at about the level of my knees while attempting to readjust him. After that Eric was convinced that no-leg-Seb was better than dropped-on-the-concrete-Seb and made me tighten the sling.

At this point this was my review of the ring sling.

1. Buy a sling that accents your carpet because it will be on the floor 90% of the time.
2. Buy a doll because your human baby will want nothing to do with said sling.
3. Don’t expect to be able to do anything while wearing your baby, because with one arm you will be trying to hold your baby so he doesn’t fall out, and the material is “fanned out” over the other shoulder which inhibits any sort of range of motion.

Three days later I saw a picture of Seb while my friend was watching him and guess what? Passed out asleep in the ring sling. I’m not going to lie, I cried for 15 minutes while Eric pat me on the back and tried not to laugh.

The next day with determination and gritted teeth, I watched some tutorials, and decided I would try again. To my dismay I had been doing  it all wrong. In my mind, needing a class or someone to show me how to use a piece of material to hold my baby was nonsense. Any person with a brain can figure it out, right? Wrong. As it turns out, Seb didn’t mind the sling at all when his legs had circulation and he wasn’t being stuffed, dropped, or squeezed. Amazing.