Hey, I’m not going to bother with introductions because you have been following me for far too long and know me all too well.
I’m going to jump right to the problem-it’s you. And I’m done.
You’re something we moms joke about in a desperate, more than half serious way any time we say something or do something that we perceive as being wrong in some way to someone somewhere. We bounce our babies on our hips and hope that nothing we say sounds too outrageous, but we wouldn’t really know because we have no idea what we’re doing.
I’ve given in to you for so long I have forgotten what it feels like to not have you inside my head, whispering that I’m screwing everything up and my kid will be messed up in a thousand ways because of me. I feel you when I don’t spend the extra 30 cents on the organic organic organic pouch with kefir and dirt and choose to feed Seb the cheap apple/spinach pouch because I’m not made of money and he hates the other one anyway.
I realized today how much I have let you run the show when Eric asked me today if I felt sick because I was sick or because I was feeling guilty Sebastian was sick. I asked him what kind of question that was, and he responded that sometimes I feel guilty when Seb is sick, as if something I did caused it. I was struck then by how ridiculous you are.
Yeah, I let Seb cry for a few minutes before his nap, and that doesn’t make me a bad mom. When he is fed, changed, not in pain and tired as heck, I give him a few minutes because I know 9/10 times he will put himself to sleep. I give him medicine for teething, allergies, and when he had reflux. And yes, I give him bottles sometimes.
I feel like I have to feel guilty, like I’m actually a better mom when I am plagued with doubts about whether or not I am taking the best care of my baby.
I’m done second guessing myself because to the depth of my tired feet, I know that I am a bombass mom.
Seb is happy. He is gaining weight like a crazy person. He eats well, sleeps well, and when I’m around all he wants is for me to be talking to him, holding him, and playing with him. He loves the absolute life right out of me, and my heart is his.
I see the moments every single minute of the day that I choose him over myself. I see the days I hold him all day and barely eat. I see the times I give up my to do list to play toys with him. I know the mornings that I look over at my sleeping husband and get up with Seb quietly and unresentfully so that he can get some more sleep. I am there to clean off the avocado painted on Seb’s face for the hundredth time. I am the one singing Old McDonald on repeat on the 30 minute car ride home so that he doesn’t cry.
I see how much I love my baby, and I won’t let you take that away.
I am not a better mom when I’m constantly feeling bad. I am not doing Seb any favors by getting down on myself because I am just figuring things out one step at a time.
One 19.5lb weight is enough for me to carry around and entertain all day. Since Seb has my DNA and is a lot more smiley then you, your’re the one I’m cutting off.
A Free Mom