Poop-apocalypse

Seb has been sick all week and oh.my.gosh. There has never been a longer week.

As any mom knows, your kid being sick is the worst for two reasons.

  1. You’re homebound and can’t see other moms and day drink while your kids run wild and free.
  2. Oh, and your kid is sick and it’s sad, blah blah blah.

Jokes, but seriously, it’s so hard to be homebound and friendless.

I feel like the lone survivor in a post-apocalyptic world in which the only people that were wiped out were my mom friends with healthy kids.

Our phone conversations sound like we’re on the phone with our deployed military husbands.

“Hey, honey. It’s been so long…..I know, the distance is almost unbearable. When we reunite, let’s never leave each other again.”

Whenever I google the symptoms Seb has (“runny nose, diarrhea, affinity for getting into everything he’s not supposed to have”), I find a range of days that he’s supposed to be sick (“symptoms may last 2 days to 3 months. In rare cases children have been sick until they leave for college”), and without fail, he errs on the side of being sick longer.

Being a nurse, I hesitate to run to the doctor. “One more day,” I say to myself. “Surely by Friday, he’ll be better”

Then Friday rolls around and guess what, I’m at work that day.

I text Eric something like this:

“Hey hows Seb is Seb ok did you put in the wash did you do the dishes don’t forget to go to the store remember to feed him a variety of foods do NOT just feed him cheese ok Eric did you remember to put shoes on him he needs diaper cream can you buy diapers DONT just feed him cheese I know it’s easy but do not just feed him CHEESE. Oh, and does he seem better today?”

Eric: “Ok. Yes. Yes. Ok. Yeah he seems better. Here’s a picture of him eating some rocks and holding the weedwacker that’s turned on.”

Inevitably, Seb is NOT better on the weekend, and we end up at Urgent Care at 7am on a Sunday.

Here’s how these visits usually go:

Maureen: I think he has an ear infection, he had a fever yesterday and he’s been sick but he hasn’t had a fever until now.

Medical Urgent Care Personal: *goes into a pre rehearsed speech about how this probably is not an ear infection, I have degrees, I know things, you know nothing, yada, yada.*

Maureen: *slow eye blink*

Medical Urgent Care Personal: Let’s check him out. Well, it appears he has a double ear infection that is potentially the worst I’ve ever seen.

Maureen: Well, would you look at that.

This most recent house arrest stint has been related to a nasty bout of diarrhea.

Diarrhea itself is bad enough, but a husband who “forgets” to deal with the carnage left over on the sheets? Too much.

Today I found myself emptying Sebs footy pajamas that were full of poop, and it occurred to me that this was not what I pictured motherhood to be like.

I saw myself enjoying reading books to my child, not wanting to burn “The Going To Bed Book” because Seb shoves it into my hands 30 times a day.

I saw myself going to library storytimes, him sitting peacefully on my lap listening to a story. Reality: Seb robbed some woman of her antacids and tried to dive into a garbage can during “If You’re Happy and You Know It”. Neither Seb nor I were happy, and we knew it.

I saw myself cuddling and teaching Seb long division at the bright young age of 1, I did not envision myself dumping large chunks of poop out of his pajamas and playing “which undigested food is that”.

I certainly didn’t see myself locked in my house, rearranging Tupperware for fun, desperate for some human interaction.

Perhaps by this point, you think I’m crazy, don’t love my kid or I’m a kindred spirit. Either way, hit me up, we can go to the zoo and trade viruses.

-Mo

 

 

 

 

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